When I was at The Gate, I had no patience left for any more search, I was burning for truth. That night somebody guided me to see that all this time, years and years, who was searching for whatever goal or intention, was the imaginary self.
Years in silent retreats, sitting day after day, stare inside, purifying the mind. All that was needed at the time, but I felt: not anymore. I felt: the search that drove half of my life was suddenly suffocating me. I was ready to cross, to step through...I didnt' know what is there next. In the various spiritual books read about the veil, some kind of veil, The Gateless Gate. I heard of this koan many times, I had not idea what it means, until I felt like I was standing there - at The Gate.
One feels it in his bones - he is there. With all his being. Something really significant going on - One is not sure what, but it's like burning from inside out with wish for Truth. One feels ready. One feels this is the time. I must cross. I must rip off this illusion. What is this illusion, One is not sure yet, just intellectually maybe, if one read or heard about it before. But there is a strong feeling that one will step and fall into the abyss. Abyss of unknown. What was before was explored throughout. It may be comfortable, good, great, happy, not so good, disappointing, boring, painful - anything - but it's familiar.
Fear, in some cases terror, comes over One.
One feels the death is here. The death of old life.
The death of the illusion.
Hesitation comes.
One faced with the decision: back to the familiar or forward into the unknown.
Decision comes.
Now One is ready, vigilant and alive, right at the Gate.
Then comes the guide, who crossed before, takes your hand or slaps your face - depends on what you need, and guides you through the Gate.
You turn back, and see: there is no gate, there is no crossing, there is no you. And never was.
ARE YOU READY?
